Sun Rise

The last 30 minutes was much better spent driving home to Bronxville than sleeping on my futon in Brooklyn.

You met me at a funny time in my life. I am living two lives. Or three even, on some days. After graduating college and prematurely launching a business, I finally have the chance, the time, to put my lives together and let me tell you - they’re a mess. Did I see this coming? Is it a self-fufilling prophecy? I don’t know but I’ve never been one to lay down and die, so here I go…

Today, I did the most selfish thing I’ve ever done and I did it with every thread of my being, because that’s the way I do things. I’m a scorpio and you’re a leo - so you get that. I’m not proud of what I did. In fact, I washed it down with a lot of liquor. But it helped me cross a threshold and my future has a lot to gain from the experience. I’m better now because of it. I’m going through some things and I know I’ll come out better on the other side… luckily there is a good soundtrack and all the people here are pretty.

______

As luck would have it, you need a little time too. I’m not sure where you just came from but I know I like you and I think I want to take you with me. Maybe I’m a sucker for a charismatic creative dude with a winning smile and a way with women (C’mon, who isn’t?). I’ve got my eye on you and come December, you better watch out cause Imma make you mine.

I’m writing a new story and it’s happy all the way through.

Time to go watch the sun rise…

Best Man

The last time I was home, I met the most amazing man. He was fresh out of a relationship and that explains a lot.

He’s a catch, is what I’m saying. Four dates in and he still opens my car door for me. He still pays for dinner, and I let him.

We have something ingrained in common. Vegas. He is a Vegas guy, through and through. He makes art about it - though he calls it easy. He is sweet and considerate and hasn’t cheated on a girlfriend in at least 9 years. He is sexy and established and the things I like about him are so different than the things I liked about the last 5 guys I liked. And I like it.

So, it’s not that complicated. So what? It’s good. And in the midst of a firestorm I found solace in someone who understands where I came from and knew who I was before I ever met him. I hardly had to explain a thing and there is great comfort in that.

Hopefully, I’m still interesting from far away. Hopefully, we can sustain this thing for a while. I’m learning a lot about myself and I’m hoping that when I come home I’m ready for what this guy has to offer.

It’s little different, eh?

Local Icons

You have to know that I loooove an emotionally unavailable man. You broke up with your girlfriend yesterday - and I just got in town and we’re both local icons and our paths just converged in a serious way.

Most importantly, you love this place. And I am trying so hard to make peace with it. See art in it. Find something to hold on to in it. And you’ve made a career out of that. A life out of it! And you took me out for tacos and opened my car door…

I’m leaving town in 20 days. And you still live with your ex. Perfect, don’t you think?

Like an onion

I like to learn things about a person slowly. I like people to reveal who they are with their actions; in the long run its
hard to trust what people say - about themselves especially. Eye witness testimonials are not reliable at all.

You can really only understand a person with time. We’re all kind of hard to know.

A city so bright

Streets I’ve driven down a hundred times, streets I lost my innocence driving down, took on a whole new meaning on the back of a motorcycle with you. The city’s so bright you can wear sunglasses at night, you even almost need to. Moments like these will keep me in this town - but what do I make of all the moments in between? “Bask in the sunshine darlin,” you said like you knew, because you do.

When I got here, I didn’t know what to expect. I planned a short trip to be safe but I stayed a long time instead. Immediately you became a reason to be home and I knew it wouldn’t be easy to leave as long as I had you in my life.

This life is a lot for me. It takes a lot of grace to get through each day and I feel an immense amount of pressure every moment I’m in this city. I have obligations here but I’m trying to find reasons to want to be here and ways to be strong too.

Pressure builds diamonds, they say and I know how to sparkle when I want to.

Anyways, I like you.

I think the secret is not to count on anyone, not to bet on anything. Even the nicest guy in the world has second thoughts and bad days. Even sociopaths commit selfless acts sometimes. I think the idea is just to live your life and do what you do and if someone wants to be a part of it, they’ll find a way. And If you aren’t okay with their way, you should let them go. 

We’re born alone. We die alone. And we can’t really count on anyone, even ourselves. People are not consistent. They are reactive - and a million factors go into one reaction. Relationships are hard and there is no magic formula. “You just have to find people with the same kind of crazy as you.. Everyone’s crazy in their own way.” We both knew you were right. 

So, I’ll keep my distance - because I am, like you are, crazy in my own way. I’ll back off a little because this could be way too easy, because we could get wrapped up, because we’ll make mistakes if we move with such haste and I’m not interested in losing you completely. 

I hope I haven’t blown it already…

Far Away

A lot of what I do is foolish. I make a lot of mistakes with people. I have good intentions but I’ve been burned badly so I’m a little bit bitter. 

I have a hard time letting my guard down. I told you upfront I’m emotionally unavailable - you don’t seem to be too bothered.

I guess the timing is right, you know? You’re holding a place for me, keeping the wolves at bay while I explore the forest (Wow what a metaphor). It’s pretty clear I like to keep people far away and you don’t need to get too close just yet. It’s not easy to access my heart, as you may have noticed. But from 2000 miles away I can handle you telling me I make you smile and so I’ll stay on this side of the country for a little while. Til I’m ready. 

A Challenge

You can’t break my heart.

Oh yeah? Watch me.

You want a relationship free of obligations and guilt. You do what you want. If someone tells you what to do you do the opposite, just for fun, to show off. And then you flash your Cheshire grin and do something unexpected and everything’s fine again. You’re working out your issues on me and it sucks.

If I want to be free, I have to let go.

Over It

I’m using hand soap that reminds me of your mother and you are fucking my ex-girlfriend. Fuck you dude. It’s not fun anymore.

I don’t want anything to do with you.